Vicki's Castle

life is so frustrated...where the heck is my superhero? I dunt wanna compromise all the f**king time so tired of everything... Is there anyway I can leave everything all behind "...So don't disappear." then give me a reason to stay... I m gaining weight again due to the stress I wish I was a boy so I won't feel emotionally weak so frequently In or out any relationships, I still have to fight alone

"I've asked god to send me super hero to solve all my problems :/" "the best that god can provide you is me =P" 雖然是個玩笑，能夠莫名其妙的相遇也算得上是奇蹟。 本來以為會是困難的選擇題卻在如此短暫的時間里就明朗化了。 希望奇蹟可以持續的久一點，雖然通常來說奇蹟本該只是瞬間的事。回想起來奇蹟已經發生過了，現在頂多算是obssesion罷。 開始完全是巧合，不知道算不算是神給我的補償，實際上神也沒必要補償我甚麼，即使是奇蹟大約也是最後一次了。只好 等待看命運會給我甚麼。 自由的話更是要在這有限的時間內好好珍惜。如果貿然失去的話大約會失去很久很久。 現在想到commitment隱約覺得膽怯。並非所有人都能讓自己有坐雲霄飛車的感覺，然而總是要從靈魂深處長大才可以，因為雲霄飛車總是會停下來的。有相似的夢想才能建立長久的partnership罷。

既然已經無可救藥的長到二十幾歲了，這樣孩子氣的追逐遙不可及的夢想是不是愚蠢的呢？

No matter what, I have to admit that P woke me up and dragged me back to the reality. I had tried but I have realized that I cannot go back anymore on the past Saturday. I dun want cheating once and once again. I assume I have to end this tragic since this is not going to work out in every way n stop wasting each others time. I dun f*cking care about how other people judge me. Technically I duno too many people here. I m a terrible person and this is truly who I am. I wanna do whatever makes me happy instead of torturing each other. Life is an adventure. I dun wanna waste of my time to follow any kind of stupid rules that are made by normal people. The best I can do is be myself and be true to myself. Since I feel the sparks when I m with B, I d take the risk and give it a try. I m not expecting things will work out this time but I d spoil myself for once. If I screw up again, I ll just run away like what happened when I was 17. I m sry, I m still that 17 years old irresponsible kid. Thanks god, I am a girl. If I get hurt, I can always cry like a 5 years old at the midnite.

雖然新的工作才做了半天時間，我已經覺得比較難忍受了。 給客戶做表格和文件，打電話給各個human resource dept確認貸款人的工作狀態，一次又一次的fax 不同文件。。。有點無聊。office里的人平均年齡至少有40歲。雖然大家對我很nice，然而想到接下來的這個summer每天要過著朝九晚五的生活就覺得要昏過去了。一直都按著非常flexible 的 schedule 生活，real world里這種這樣中規中矩的時間表還沒來到就已經嚇壞自由散漫慣了的我了。 明明才星期二卻感覺像星期四了。 或者是下雨的關係，情緒也很低落。發現自己實在用功不足懶散有餘。不知道是否能在畢業的時候順利找到理想的工作。雖然還有半年的時間，可是今年之初就已經時不時的開始panic了。一點能找到合適工作的confidence也沒有。 唯一有點慶幸的是還好是學了這個專業，別的專業真工作起來是要悶死我的。目前為止雖然沒做那麼多種工作，總之實驗室的工作也沒怎麼喜歡，這種mortgage processing類的文員工作做了半天已經覺得無聊了。 雖然覺得慌亂的不行（由於畢業後工作的事），然而還是一步也沒邁出去。常常覺得討厭自己。像現在這樣沒出息乾脆死掉算了。。。

When Greg against me, the rest of the class will stand out and fight back... lol. I kno they all hate him. Last time, girls in my design class had argued with him for more than 30 mins because Greg said the headline that I used for my ad was incorrect but all the other girls in English major or whatever stood out n said "object there was none" is linguistically correct. I've never tried to defend for myself most of the time because I don't look at that as a big deal but no matter what the reason is, thanks all of them whom used to protect me.

living happily after w my ipod touch... I've never thought anything could give me so much fun besides my macbook...

I had just dropped an appeal letter for a parking ticket that I got from school last week. Then I went to Huston n had dinner w J. It's kind of late when I came back to Silver Spring n I was pooled over by a cop cuz I changed lanes too fast. I told him I was panic cuz I got lost but he was an emotionless person! He still gave me a fuckin ticket... Goddamn it! He wasted a lot of my time by explaining how to appeal the ticket, which court I should go, should I admit guilt or not, it's not the end of the world, since I got lost where I was going....and so on... OMG! IF U TRY TO BE NICE TO ME, Y DO U GIVE ME A TICKET N RUIN MY DAY???? Today is pretty sunny. My professor said my painting was beautiful.... it's the first abstract painting that i've ever done. I hit library n a friend in Germany retouched with me. I told him what had happen

I m pretty much done my revenge n he was super fucked up. I dunno why I was so happy n couldn't stop laughing when he was totally pissed off. Z said cuz I didn't care about him. Probably. I told him I didn't feel sorry at all cuz he broke the rules first. But, yah! I m the winner n I played a player although we r not the same level. I really start to think whether I can go back to the previous relationship or I should move on. J would concern on the previous cheating shit that i've done. He has been super nice to me since I asked for a break-up. I donno how to face that tho. In fact, I've fucked up everything that I had n finally back to the reality, just as what I predicted at the very beginning. J said I was not a evil girl anymore. To him, I'd never been a evil because he is simple n pure. I don't have to fake anything or act, everything between us is pretty straight forward n this was the simplest relationship that I've ever had. It's so simple n easy that I forgot to appreciate it. However, J seems losing his patience to act nice to me. He had asked me how long he should wait. I dunno becuz I m lost too. I m a little panic after the evil me has been waken up. I cannot figure out who I am now. I do have double personalities. No one can understand. I want to meet someone whom can understand, whom can carry all my happiness, sadness and loneliness; whom can make me feel be loved n give me attention. However, I start to question myself if I deserve such a guy.

I did something so fucked up last night... I started to hate myself...really wanna run away n leave everything all behind... I only slept 40 mins during the past 36 hours... I m over stressed n mentally collapsed... I hate to be a trouble maker but I was one... I've hurt both of them at the same night n hurt myself indirectly... Everything is kind of out of control... I dunno how to face them now... I was totally insane n that's the real me... I did have talent to drive guys nuts although I didn't intend to do that. I was terribly sry but it's useless... I admitted what i've done to J, I should feel released but I didn't... I was a bad girl who always had hard time to follow any rules or logics... I saw the sixteen yrs old me again... selfish and evil... I wished I could cry last night but I couldn't... my eyes were dry... they all deserve good girls but unfortunately they met me... then disaster begins... Sry, i m not chill as u think... I've warned you to quit because it's too dangerous to get along with me... I m a real bad girl underneath... beyond your imagination... the more truth you kno, the more badly you get hurt...

There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it found one Then singing among the savage branches it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it raises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in his heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain... or so says the legend.

今天凌晨發燒，整個人處於半死狀態。無力爬起來，半昏迷的發抖了一兩個鐘頭。努力想好起來因為今天一定要和presentation group的人meet up. 天快亮的時候終於勉強熬過來了，搖晃著爬起來找退燒的藥 卻發現根本就是過期的。於是又回到床上。渾身都在痛。 I admit that I am a pathetic insecure person n lack of confidence. However, I am dealt with someone whom is insecure but he refuses to admit. 從他身上看到16歲時自己的影子， 明朗的一面根本只是表面現象。永遠滿不在乎，其實內心比大多數人都更fragile。 永遠都需要確認被愛，永遠都在索愛，過度的self-consciousness，even though someone whom can give you their love, the whole thing cannot work out because you never consider to give them anything, even a response. I start to understand the situation that my ex's had. I m so fuckin pathetic now, from one to another. Professor Thrope said he had a student whom was totally bright, not insecure at all n truly confident. I wish I can meet someone like that guy because he has all that I lack.

Seems like I cannot step out hopeless relationships forever

還以為已經成功變成隱形人了，即使有drama也不會再被周圍人注意。事到如今居然莫名其妙成了話題。 不禁想到high school二年級的時候，為了避風頭從d市轉學到了j 市，結果遇到middle school認識的y。跟他hang out 了兩次，密友t即從d市打來問我是否輿y交往。 大詫異。第一次意識到已經逃到陌生城市流言都可以傳的這樣快，過去在d市的時候那樣wild，情況自然更糟一百倍。 來美五年有餘一直演good girl的角色，從來沒跟所謂的好男生交往過，現在也有了這種經驗. 在國內的朋友如果看到我在這裡的樣子一定不敢相信。they assume that i m still that chill girl bak to high school... never follow any rules... 在過去的5年中我並未活在現實中，而是存活於回憶中的，忽略了現實。 J 有無數turn me off的點，我都忍受了，能改變的我也努力改變了， 然而很多事是我無能為力的， 比如我或者可以改變他穿衣服的方式，卻不可能改變他的氣質。 J這樣的男生也是我從來沒遇到過的。 我的ex們總是拼命給我安全感和其他種種，然而和j在一起卻有很多時候不得不保護他，照顧他。 他沒車的時候是我每天給他ride 長達一年時間，有一次我沒有送他去mall他即要求分手。what the fuck was that??? 後來他有車了，我的鑰匙鎖在車里，讓他晚上班半小時帶我回去拿備鑰匙，他不肯，丟一塊錢給我坐bus，自己開車走了。 date 四五年他來載我的次數十個指頭數的過來。 我從來不敢多喝一口酒，因為我永遠都要自己開車。 如此種種我也懶的解釋 而當我遇到問題的時候從他那裡得到的往往不是支持和幫助，恰恰相反，他會給的如果不是“我怎麼知道怎麼辦”這句話的話，那麼就是壓力。 我都sucked up。。。he made me seem like a fuckin dumb loser... without him, i still can be a chill girl n I do have guys whom want to hang out with me. I felt like I was so dumb that I had missed so many opportunities to step into relationships that could possibly work out. 然而我還是move forward，畢業也在眼前了。而j卻毫無人生規劃，上次鬧分手也是我覺得絕望. 我們的距離是越來越大，因為我已經move on，他卻還在原地。 if he takes this relationship seriously, he ll figure out where he is going for me. this fuckin relationship doesn't goes to anywhere, he cannot give me the life that I deserve i deserve a more decent guy whom knows where to go, n he is not qualified. 與其focus在這個deadly relationship上，如果我是個男生，我倒會focus在怎麼才能在這個社會上生存下去。 然而他卻看不到問題的本質，永遠只是愚蠢的停留在表面和鼠目寸光的眼前。 I m so over this shit. judge me if u want, suckers... i have known that we were not on the same page since the very beginning but I just wanted to date a good boy bak then. I thought if I date a good boy, I could start my life over again. however, I had enough now. This is not the life that I deserve. I gotta move on. materials cannot buy me. I have never asked for these shit that J bought to me. I just took whatever I was given n I deserve all of these!

明天就出发去VEGAS了. 最近两三天被某些未知的事所困扰...然而目前还不能确定.
也留做春假之后再一一解决吧...
现在也无法静下心来.
需要GET OVER的人已经emotionally over 了.
然而却为其它的事完全的PANIC...

又开始暴饮暴食了. 大概因为失去感觉了....
头发最近总是弄不好...要带的DRESS少一件, 鞋子也不知道带哪一双.
还在犹豫明天是要穿成熟点还是幼稚点
雨天让我的情绪变的低落又烦躁不安

大约是终于被唤醒了以至于又开始活在现实中的关系,
所以恢复了过去的神经质, 在这一分钟还在HIGH,下一分钟就跌到谷地...连我自己也无法预料
上上个星期还认为重要的事七天以后变成最次要的
上个星期的第一天才变的对我而言有意义的人在72小时之内就GET OVER了...
自己也看不清真正的自己

酒精突然又变的有吸引力了...
即使酒精过敏,即使酒量已经变的这样差
还是会想要出去喝一杯
对那种晕的感觉产生了新的迷恋
想到15岁的时候第一年开始自己一个人的生活时藏在房间的那瓶红酒
想念15岁某个清晨空腹喝下第一口红酒的感觉
想念那股从胃的底部翻转升腾的灼热的温暖...

最近在想关于第一次SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP的事
当然第一次真正的RELATIONSHIP并不一定是FIRST LOVE
然而却可能是很多人都不能GET OVER的
至于不能GET OVER的大约不是不能GET OVER YOUR EX
而是不能OVER 那时的感觉...
以至于看似MOVE ON实际还是停留在对那种感觉的迷恋中...

omg! I m so excited. I was worried about to go to that DC Paper Show yesterday and I don't wanna pay $35 for admission. However, I got a chance to be a volunteer for that show and in that case I get free admission!! In addition, I can meet Aaron there, and free parking too. Although I have to drive all the way down to Arlington, it's such an opportunity to join the design community. I cannot wait to be there!! btw, this weekend will be good too... although caffeine really makes me too high this week and my hands are shaking now because I have had too much coffee in 24 hours.

今天覺得很累，卻又十分亢奮。 昨天的考試還好。 今天上課也被稱讚了。 我是很不會breaking ice的人，今天Johnnason因為attendance sheet 的事主動來break ice了，之前就是想要藉他的abstract painting做為我的annual report cover的封面，覺得對陌生人提出這樣要求太突兀了於是一直忍耐著。放學後突然覺得超級累，可今天還有很多功課。 回到家之後Aaron打電話來了。第一個 call我miss掉了。 由於緊張只好首先寫下要跟他談的問題，究竟不想要表現的愚蠢。談完之後變得十分亢奮。只是對於下周三晚上的design professional dinner part還在猶豫是否要去。昨天Aaron 發了email 的invitation, 我都還沒回復。Paul asked me to call him on Wednesday last week, so I thought it ll be okay if I texted him today. He thought I should go next wednesday too because It's a chance for me to meet new people. I told him that I saw the new girl and I asked him if he had asked her out or not. He stopped replying my text... usually he ll tell me that he has asked or not because we r friends and we talk about relationship stuff all the time. What the hell... I've been playing nice to him but every time I try to be nice to him, he screws up.

人似乎總是喜歡得不到或者無結果的東西； 似乎不喜歡去看得清的方向。 19歲以後就便得自閉的厲害。表面沒有明顯徵兆，因為自我保護的本能讓我努力掩飾著自己的問題。 明明是in-a-relationship卻還想要被愛。。。永遠都在索愛，永遠都是insecure。 everything gonna be expired and nothing can last forever... 明知道絕對無結果絕對無可能還是不去了結， 我的性格還真是優柔寡斷的無藥可就了。 變得非常討厭自己，大概是終於看清了真正的自己才開始討厭自己。或者我也不知道哪個才是真正的自己。。。 即使打算要 be true to myself,可哪個才是真正的自己呢？ 本來也多少有點人格分裂，現在真的混亂了。I donno how to act and I cannot act at all... the best thing that I can do is showing my poker face... I have a secret and I had told a little... however, I cannot talk to anyone anything anymore because I have gone a little too far. Although everything is in control so far, I don't how long we can still keep it in control. So far I should say that I don't deserve any guys that i have met. This is bullshit. They all deserve normal girls but I have psychological problems. I cannot stand for ordinary life; I struggling with depression and anxiety all the time; I am super insecure and emotional; I am intend to hurt their feelings. What had happened and what gonna happen are just accidents... I went to bank this afternoon, the cute bank teller tried to talk to me. he was wearing a light blue ralph lauren sweater. He found my name on the deposit check and he tried to pronounce my name; he smiled to me; he asked me how i felt about their service, and so on. I smiled and talked him in a very sweat way which made me hate myself. What the hell I was doing? I feel I discussed myself because such thing have happened for several times recently. I hate my reaction... there is a guy that I've never tried to pretend to be sweat in front of him...